


Mr. Kaspbrak, We Salute You!

by heterophobicrichietozier



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Bottomphobia, Comedian Richie Tozier, Domestic, Famous Richie Tozier, M/M, This is not to be taken seriously, Zoom Meetings, covid-19 mentioned, getting slapped in the face with a dick, implied sugar baby eddie, implied sugar daddy Richie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:34:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23787919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heterophobicrichietozier/pseuds/heterophobicrichietozier
Summary: No one at Something Corp liked mean, boring old Mr. Kaspbrak. He was uninteresting and rude! Fred and his coworkers were all in agreement, that Mr. Kaspbrak was just the worst. At least, until a Zoom meeting where everything they thought they knew about their cold, robotic boss was turned on its head. Maybe Mr. Kaspbrak wasn’t that boring. His roommate was, surprisingly, not boring at all.Aka the one where Richie slaps Eddie in the face with his dick in the middle of a Zoom meeting
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 30
Kudos: 270





	Mr. Kaspbrak, We Salute You!

Something Corp was not known to have a lot of big personalities, fancy technology, or luxurious amenities. In fact, Fred thought it was probably the most plain and boring job he had ever had. Not that he was complaining— a job was a job after all. Just need to come in on time and leave on time, nothing special. And that’s the way Fred liked it! No one got too close and personal with their coworkers here, largely preferring to eat lunch out or in their respective offices. The biggest downside to working for Something Corp was Fred’s boss, Mr. Kaspbrak. Edward Kaspbrak was a very short, very angry man in his forties, who did not tolerate any deviation from the rules and regulations set forth in the employee handbook. 

No one in the office liked Mr. Kaspbrak. In fact, most of Fred’s coworkers outright loathed his very existence. If you were even 1 minute late, you could feel the icy, heartless robot gaze coming from his office, as he peered out in disdain. From what everyone could tell, Mr. Kaspbrak had been unhappily married for some number of years, living in Manhattan with his unpleasant wife, until he moved to Los Angeles about a year ago. Quite frankly, no one is surprised that any woman would want to divorce Mr. Kaspbrak, as unfeeling and unsympathetic as he was. Really, it seemed somewhat of a miracle that any woman had agreed to marry him in the first place! His sullen face, dark eyes, and compact body paired with the frankly disturbing scar on his face gave him a mysterious but unapproachable air. Of course, everyone was dying to know where it came from, but no one dared speak with Mr. Kaspbrak about personal matters, let alone personal matters about Mr. Kaspbrak himself.

Things have been a little disorganized and well, calamitous, ever since last week's incident. Honestly, Fred is still pretty confused about how they got here in the first place. Here are some of the facts:

1) comedian Richie Tozier announced a new standup routine and premiered it in LA before embarking on a short cross country tour  
2) Richie Tozier took this new tour as a perfect time to come out as a proud bisexual man who was in love with a man, and had been for some time  
3) While Richie Tozier announced his tour, Mr. Kaspbrak decided to take some of his paid time off, and booked a two week vacation (at the time, there was no connection between points 1, 2, and 3, but upon reflection, Fred mused, there must have been)  
4) Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, everyone was working from home, and Richie Tozier was using his social media accounts to keep his fans abreast of his (seemingly) every thought, as well as posting comedy bits and sketches  
5) Richie Tozier is a bit of an idiot, but Fred has been a fan for a while, so  
6) Richie Tozier has been posting “apologies” on his Twitter for the incident last week, but definitely does not seem apologetic. He keeps laughing in the middle of his apology video, then someone off camera yells at him and he stops the video. He has tried to post an earnest apology almost every day this week, but keeps getting distracted by some jokes he’s trying to tell?? It’s very unclear.  
7) Either way, Richie Tozier is obviously not sorry for the incident. 

As it turns out, though, in response to the incident, Mr. Kaspbrak has apparently quit effective immediately. It strikes Fred as odd, since it wasn’t as if Mr. Kaspbrak had personally committed an infraction, he can't control other people’s actions. 

During a now-routine Zoom meeting, while Mr. Kaspbrak went over some reports, something happened that was completely strange, a little disturbing, and also (oddly) kind of arousing. Mr. Kaspbrak was working in his home office, as usual, but this time he left his door open. Out of nowhere, a large, hairy, very naked man came into frame behind Mr. Kaspbrak. The man said nothing, but crept quickly and quietly up to the desk, and with no warning, grabbed his ridiculously large cock, and slapped Mr. Kaspbrak on the face with it. The man, in awe of his hilarious joke, bent over laughing hysterically and pointing at Mr. Kaspbrak while Mr. Kaspbraks face did some impressive gymnastics. His eyebrows raised, mouth open in shock, then, his jaw clenched tight, teeth snapping together audibly. A dark red flush spread from his cheekbones to his ears, shoulders raising as he turned to face the man.

When he bent over laughing, the mystery man revealed his identity as newly out, freshly hip with the kids, still a terrible dresser, Richie Tozier. His signature oversized glasses and messy hair, along with the distinctive laugh and bunny teeth, made it all the more obvious who this dick slapper was. The action of slapping someone with a dick is not truly surprising coming from Richie Tozier. In fact, if he had boasted about it in a joke during a routine, that would probably not even be the most disgusting thing he said. What was shocking however, was the fact that Richie Tozier lived with his boss.

Mr. Kaspbrak did not seem like the kind of man who would be interested in comedy, let alone the sophomoric toilet humor that Richie Trashmouth Tozier was known for. So it was curious that Mr. Kaspbrak knew Richie Tozier, let alone knew him well enough to be quarantined together. Which means they must be very close friends. Which also struck Fred as odd because Mr. Kaspbrak did not seem like the kind of man who had friends, let alone close friends. But if you knew someone well enough to be living with them during the pandemic, who walked around your apartment naked, and who felt free to just walk into your home office during work hours and smack you with his dick… well it was all pretty suspect. 

Mr. Kaspbrak turned, face fully red at this point, and screamed bloody murder at a fully naked Richie Tozier. He didn’t even bat an eye at the nudity. He stood up, pressed his finger into Trashmouth’s chest, and yelled “Richie, I swear to fucking god you are the biggest idiot on the planet! What the actual fuck were you thinking coming in here?! You are fully naked right now! I AM ON A CALL WITH WORK YOU FUCKING APE! THEY ALL JUST SAW YOUR FUCKING PENIS!”

The look of pure, unadulterated joy on Richie’s face quickly morphed into a wide eyed look of panic, as he scrambled to the computer and slammed it shut. The rest of Fred’s coworkers were staring, open mouthed, in disbelief. All of a sudden, everyone was talking over each other, frantic to make sense of what just happened. In the end, Mr. Kaspbrak’s administrative assistant, Kathy, just ended the call. Clearly, no more work was being done, and all this speculation was rude and unprofessional, and did not show respect for Mr. Kaspbrak and his privacy.

———

Scrolling through Twitter was one of Fred’s favorite past times. You could dick around for hours, hopping from cute animal videos, to funny memes, to stupid political shit, to sexy videos. Anything you wanted to see was on Twitter. Being quite the fan, Fred of course followed Richie Trashmouth Tozier of Twitter, and has seen his videos from this past week. For the most part, they were pretty incomprehensible and were mostly just him laughing at his own jokes while trying to seem apologetic for slapping Mr. Kaspbrak with his dick. 

Today, one week after the incident, Fred sees a new Tweet from Richie. It seems to be another Instagram video, with Tozier and Mr. Kaspbrak sitting close on a couch. Tozier was wearing a white t shirt with something scribbled across it in marker, while Mr. Kaspbrak looked more comfortable than Fred has ever seen, wearing soft red shorts and an oversized hoodie. 

In the video, Tozier is laughing at something Mr. Kaspbrak said, which is surprising because Fred has never thought Mr. Kaspbrak capable of understanding humor, let alone saying something truly funny. Tozier has an arm curled around Mr. Kaspbrak, holding his slender body close against his own burly chest. He keeps calling Mr. Kaspbrak increasingly strange nicknames, too. Things that Fred would assume Mr. Kaspbrak would hate, but all he does is smile softly up at Tozier laughing face. They look cozy. Domestic, even. 

“Anyway! All this to say Eddie Spaghetti and I have been dating for some time now, we’re getting married in the spring, and he’s gay as fuck! Now he’s quit his boring, lifeless, soul-sucking job, and he can assume his true calling as my sugar baby.”

Mr. Kaspbrak doesn’t look too happy at that thought, but says nothing. Instead, he pinches Tozier’s soft stomach with his small, bony fingers, smirking when the comedian yelps. 

Tozier stands to turn off the camera, but as he leans in, face uncomfortably close, he points to his shirt and says quickly, as if he knows Mr. Kaspbrak is going to be mad, “Also Eddie says I’m bottomphobic for laughing at him in all my videos this week. Buy my new exclusive “bottomphobic and proud” tshirt at Trashmouth Merch courtesy of Marsh designsokay—” 

“Richie, you absolute motherfucker!” Mr. Kaspbrak yells from the background. In the video, you can just see Mr. Kaspbrak launch himself at Tozier, his pouty face cutely enraged (somehow different from how he looked at work), as Tozier easily grabs him around the waist to lift him over his shoulder. 

Huh. So all this time Mr. Kaspbrak was dating Trashmouth Tozier. No wonder he always seemed so uptight, walking stiffly into the office everyday. He wasn’t a stickler for good posture, he was just sore from taking that ridiculously large cock on the regular. What a truly brave man, Fred thought, Mr. Kaspbrak, I salute you!


End file.
